Starting to reflect again? - October 28, 2010 - 3:40 AM

posted Oct 28, 2010, 12:40 AM by Jeremy Poehnert   [ updated Oct 28, 2010, 12:55 AM ]
After a loooong time, I am actually doing some reflection again.

I've actually been writing about this process in a few different places, but this is the first time the process is breaking onto the website.

This morning I did my first morning pages in a long time, and my first creative entry (which for me is part of the reflective process).  It feels like I'm unblocking something I've been cut off from.  After withdrawing from reflection, avoiding introspection, I'm trying to come back to it, to embrace it, to make it part of my routine, with the ultimate goal of becoming a true reflective practitioner.

In this exact moment I feel really excited about the idea, almost light headed about the possibilities.  But I know from experience that the challenge is to stay engaged, to keep consistently investing the time and energy necessary to make it an integral part of my life.  It's so easy for me to avoid it, to put my energy into less meaningful things, or worse, to let my energy just evaporate away into the universe, losing all the potential it represents.

Although I've been thinking about this for some time, I had one particular experience which I feel like has triggered a breakthrough for me.  This week in the CCT writing group Michael asked us to write about what we feel passionate about, and I realized that I didn't have anything to write.

This came as a shocking realization to me.  While I rarely use the word "passion," in the past I've always thought of myself as someone who was sincerely excited about life, and I always strove to be deeply engaged with the world in my own subtle, soft-spoken sort of way.  

But in that moment I realized that although I feel better now than during the problems this summer (which may be too personal to go into here), I'm still not fully engaged with my life.  Instead I've kind of been cruising along, doing the basics, but in a numb, thoughtless sort of way.  I'm doing what needs to be done, but my spark, my energy, has been muted.

That came as a real wake-up call, and encouraged me to do what I've been intending to so since the new semester started, specifically, to reboot my creative and reflective process.

So this is my first small step in that.  It isn't easy, and I always struggle to follow through, but if I'll keep trying.